The squashed X-men
by ingvild
Summary: A certain view of the stories from Dream's End to X-Treme X-Men. Please, just try it. Chapter two: The squashed Ultimate X-Men (Tomorrow people). Chapter three: The Movie. Chapter four: Uncanny again.
1. The squashed X-Men, Uncanny X-Men, X-Tre...

A/N: The title says it all: I squeeze the last issues from the X-Men world into a few pages

A/N: The title says it all: I squeeze the last issues from the X-Men world into a few pages. I never got hand on the middle parts of Dream's End, so that part will be a bit vague...

Disclaimer: The characters aren't mine, the stories I've creamed aren't mine, and the idea of "squashing" isn't mine, either.

The Squashed X-Men by Fata Morgana

Dream's End:

Part 1: 

Rogue: Ah can't control mah powers!

Mystique: I can't help you, I'm plotting, plotting, plottin!

Kelly: I'm being a nasty-bad senator!

Part 2 and 3: 

Mystique nearly kills Rogue.

Mystique nearly dies.

Pyro dies.

Cable and Kelly becomes friends.

Moira is dying.

Part 4:

Moira: I've found the cure, Charles! I luv ye!

Moira dies.

The professor, Phoenix, Cable: NOOOO!!!

Cable: Wait – the senator!

BANG-BANG!!

Kelly: I'm dead, Nathan!

Cable: NOOOOO!!!

Uncanny X-Men # 389

The professor: Moira's dead, so I have to work out and show my dang muscles.

Cecelia: I'm on RAVE!

Gambit: I'm gonna kill Mystique!

Storm: You're not gonna kill Mystique!

Mystique: You have to find Destiny's diaries!

Gambit and Storm: Huh?

Rogue and Wolverine: Huh?

X-Men # 109

Iceman: Why am I here? Oh, yeah, the snow...

Storm: We have to plot among people so Charles won't listen in.

Beast: He wouldn't do that.

Gambit: Would too!

Beast: NOT!

Gambit: TOO!

Trish Tilby: Shaddup!

Bishop: I'm out doing good deeds and showing off my muscles.

Wolverine: I'm visiting Mariko's grave and threathening my wife.

Nightcrawler: I'm visiting the circus.

Colossus: It's good to live, even though I'm seeing dead people.

Archangel: Bye-bye, Betsy!

Psylocke: Bye-bye, Warren! Hey, Neal!

Storm: We're going to find Destiny's diaries.

Rogue: Gambit can't go; ah'll hurt him.

Uncanny X-Men # 390

(Where is everybody? Where's the snow?)

Beast: I found the cure, but somebody have to die for it first. Let's play basketball.

Colossus: I'll sacrifice myself.

Cecelia: No, Peter! No!

X-Men #110

Kitty: My first appearance in months, and I'm leaving because of Peter.

Magneto: Nyeh-he-heh!

X-Men Unlimited #30

Mother knows best: 

Banshee's angels: We have nothing to do with the storyline.

Covenant with the Devil:

Nightcrawler: I am going crazy. Peter's dead.

Sinister: I can bring him back.

Nightcrawler: NO!

Nightcrawler: Dear Ororo; I'm leaving.

Wild and free: 

Rogue: Ah can control mahself enough to go dancing.

Epilogue: Seeds of War:

Quicksilver: Watch out for my daddy.

Uncanny X-Men #391

Cyclops: I'm back.

Audience: Prove it.

Cyclops: Here's my father the dick.

Audience: Okay.

Eve of Destruction storyline

Prologue: 

Trish Tilby: Here a lot of people, including my boyfriend, talk about Magneto.

Part 1:

Magneto: I've got Xavier.

Phoenix: I'm gathering a lot of whiny recruits.

Part 2:

Polaris: I'm nice again.

Cyclops and Wolverine: We're invading Genosha.

Wolverine: It seems like Cyke couldn't merge with Apocalypse and get free again without changing.

Part 3:

Magneto: I've _STILL_ got Xavier.

Phoenix: We mess up a lot.

Part 4:

Phoenix: We've been fooled!

No, we fooled Magneto!

(To audience) Fooled you!

Wolverine: Eat adamantium, Magneto.

The professor: NOOOOO!!

X-Treme X-Men #1

Storm, Bishop, Rogue, Beast, Thunderbird, Psylocke: Hi, we're back! Oh no, we've been shot!

Rogue: But ah just fell in the sea!

Sage: I escaped because I'm so darned sexy.

Guy in the shadows with scary twins: Ha-haaah!

And in the forgotten-mutants-basket:

Marrow, Iceman, Cable: Hi!

In the left-because-of-Colossus-basket:

Shadowcat, Nightcrawler, Cecelia Reyes: Hi!

Gambit: Where am I??

Next: The squashed Ultimate X-Men!


	2. The squashed Ultimate X-Men

A/N: Wow

A/N: Wow! I had never expected such a response! By the way, this is better if you have read the storyline. Oookay, here comes the much-awaited next chapter:

The Squashed Ultimate X-Men (Which, by the way, was very hard to make humouristic. I'm afraid I didn't quite succeed.)

Part one:

Sentinels: Find mutant-kill-find mutant-kill-this job is underpayed-find mutant-kill

Marvel Girl: I'm running around and gathering recruits and looking sexy. Gotta catch 'em all!

Professor X: I found you all with Cerebro. Now I found Bobby. Go get 'im!

(They destroy a lot of sentinels.)

Marvel Girl: It's falling!

Iceman: Ice!

Everybody: Keeeewl.

Crowd: Let's kill our savior! (A/N: Oh, God, I've comparing the Iceman to Jesus...)

__

Magneto's place

Magneto: Charles is up.

Quicksilver: I'll kill him, 'cause I'm really bloodthirsty.

Magneto: Don't be stupid, son. Shut up and go tell Wolverine to kill him.

Quicksilver (thinking): How am I supposed to shut up and give a message at the same time?

Part two: 

Wolverine: I can do anything, 'cause I'm a professional, bub.

John Wraith: Fire!

Beast: Yes, I'm a show-off. 

Marvel Girl: Cyclops is really shy. (Thinking: I nead a real man, or I'm gonna explode.)

Professor X: Cerebro picked up someone. It's Wolverine.

Cyclops+Marvel Girl: Whaaaat!?!?

Storm: Who?

Cyclps: Really scary killer person.

Professor X: Go get 'im!

X-Men: Yeah!

__

Meanwhile:

John Wraith (to Wolverine): Nyah-ha-haaa! We can do anything, 'cause you're behind adamantium bars, and you can't die-e!

__

Outside:

Storm: Whoooosh!

Cyclops: Fighty-fighty!

Colossus: Crap. I can't bend these.

Wolverine: Open up, tubby!

Beast: Ungrateful...There.

__

Wolverine steals a motorcycle and goes after Wraith. Somehow he gets past them, and stands there on the road, looking a lot like Sabretooth, although you mustn't tell him I said that, because then, I'll get a bellyfull of adamantium, and that's not my favourite diet.

Now Marvel Girl knocks him out, and threathens Wraith, and walks away.

Magneto's place:

Toad: How could that happen?

Magneto: It was all my plan. (Thinking: How _could_ that happen?)

Part three:

News announcer: Some bad, bad muties just took the president's liddle widdle girlie. (Why can't any of your presidents get sons?)

Professor X: Go get 'er!

X-Men: Uh...Yeah...

__

Lot of messing, and they rescue the President's daughter, and Wolverine gets a chance to show off.

Colossus: Here's Maggie.

Storm: I think Beast's dead.

__

Narrator voice: Is Beast really dead!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Audience: Naaaah....

Part four:

__

People shooting at them. Cyclps gets hit. He says he doesn't get hurt because of the kevlar, but since I don't know what that is, I'll just say the bullet reflected from these biggy muscles Cyclops has been sporting lately.

Storm: Xavier is a bad man, since he makes us risk our lives for a snotty little brat. (And we all agree.)

Magneto: You're all fools. Get home.

Scarlet Witch: Father, do you think Wolverine has changed sides?

Magneto: Naw, he's just trying to bed some woman first. (As if we didn't know _that_.)

__

Xavier's place:

Xavier+Marvel Girl: Fixy, fixy, fixy....

Wolverine: How is he?

Marvel Girl: Okay, but he might be feeling a bit blue...

Wolverine: Oh. _Kisses Marvel Girl so she's weak in the knees. Cyclops watches, Wolverine grins evilly. Okay, so the girl can't read his mind because of the Weapon X thingie, but gimme a break. Can't she see that he's not paying attention!?_

Cyclops: (Thinking bad words.) Leaves for the Savage Land.

Beast: Oh, great. Blue hair. Huh, at least I didn't get fur.

Part five:

London: BOOOM!

Cyclops: What about the warning, Quicksilver?

Quicksilver (not meaning it): Sorry.

Scarlet Witch: Don't worry about him.

Marvel Girl: Worry, worry, worry...

Wolverine: Come on into bed, baby.

Marvel Girl: Okay. Giggle.

The President: I'm gonna send a lotta Sentinels to the Savage Land, exterminate the muties there...

Professor X: Risk all of humanity...

The President: Can't be helped.

Sentinels: Off to work, again. 

__

Savage Land:

Cyclops: I don't like killing.

Magneto: Me, either. (!?!?????) We have to rid ourselves of these inferiors. As the most intelligent species, it's out duty. (Has he spoken to Toad and Blob lately?)

Quicksilver: Sigh, moan, father doesn't understand me.

Scarlet Witch: Poor baby.

Sentinels: Bang-bang-swoosh-nyah-ha-haaa!

Magneto: A little disorder here, and they'll hunt homo sapiens inferior.

Cyclops: Hi, prof, it's me...

Part six:

Marvel Girl: Bad Wolverine, coming here to kill the professor!!

Wolverine: Thought you'd be glad I confessed...(Thinking: After those rounds, and she's still got spunk? I'll have to try leather whips if I get the chance...) (A/N: Okay, that was off limit...)

Professor X: Get here and defend people!

__

Savage Land:

Cyclops: Stand up to your daddy, Quicksilver! (Thinking: 'Cause if you don't, we might be dead meat...)

__

Washington D.C.:

Marvel Girl: Fight, dudes! You're cool! Hey, Wolverine, don't think of hurting the professor!

Wolverine: Don't worry, babe.

Magneto: Wha-ha-haaa- eh? What?

Professor X: Hi.

Magneto: Die.

Wolverine: Eat adamantium, Magneto!

Magneto: Oh no, you won't kill me in this storyline, too!

Quicksilver: Yeah! I snagged my daddy's helmet!

Professor X: Now I can take over him. He-heh. Revenge. Oh, how not-Xavier-like!

Magneto: NOOOO!

Professor X: Bye-bye.

__

Later:

Everybody: Yeah! We won!

Cyclops: Wolverine's leaving? **Snigger** So sad...

Professor X: Hehehh, I know... Now, this was just child's play. Let's get ready for round two.

Next: The squashed X-Men the Movie!


	3. The squashed X-Men the Movie

A/N: Sorry this took so long! I just have too many stories to write, and I  
never got time to see the movie again so I could put the scenes in right  
order! (And then Fanfiction went down, and lightening hit the telephone box  
so I couldn't connect to the net...)  
  
THE SQUASHED X-MEN THE MOVIE  
  
Major headache intro.  
  
Cut to Nazi death camp, where Magneto shows off for the first time.  
  
Cut to Mississippi, where Rogue moans about her nasty-bad powers for the  
first time.  
  
Note: Some time passed between.  
  
Cut to some hearing.  
  
Jean: Blah-blah-bl-  
  
Kelly: BLAH-BLUH-BLAH!!!  
  
Crowd: Go Kelly!  
  
Magneto: Homo superior are...superior.  
  
Canada:  
  
Wolverine: I'm beatin' the crap outta people in a cage.  
  
Rogue: Ah'm just here; Ah've run away.  
  
Foolish man: I'm attackin' that mutie...  
  
SNIKT  
  
....and wetting my pants.  
  
Rogue: Oh mah Gawd...Hey, claw-man, wait!  
  
On the road again:  
  
Sabretooth: GRRR!!  
  
Wolverine: CRASH! (Well, he didn't really say crash, he just went crash.)  
  
Cyclops+Storm: We're cool silent dudes in black leather.  
  
Magneto's place:  
  
Toad: Weren't you supposed to bring someone with you?  
  
Sabretooth: Grrrr.  
  
Magneto: You failed.  
  
Sabretooth: Grrrr.  
  
The mansion:  
  
Wolvie wakes up, nearly strangles Jean, runs off, steals clothes, hears  
voices and ends up in Xavier's office.  
  
Professor X: Hi, I'm professor Charles Xavier, and intolerable  
know-it-all... Did I say that out loud? (No, but everybody knows he is.)  
  
Introduces Jean, Storm, Cyclops.  
  
Tour de Mansion.  
  
Someplace else:  
  
Crowd: Go Kelly!  
  
Kelly: Go me!  
  
Enters the helicopter without noticing the green pilot.  
  
Kelly: Oh, yes, muties are so bad, bad, bad...Guyrich, what's up with your  
skin?  
  
Mystique: I'm not Guyrich, you little fart. I'm way too sexy. And every guy  
in the room agrees, because, oh my, she's not wearing any clothes! Of  
course, some of us wonder how it's anatomically possible that she's the  
mother of – er, was it three children? But I'm getting sidetracked here.  
  
The mansion:  
  
How the hell could Wolverine agree to a medical check, with his bad  
memories? Hm, maybe Jean had something to do with that... One way or  
another...  
  
Jean: Woopsy. Adamantium.  
  
Scott: Huh.  
  
Storm: How?  
  
Jean: Healing factor.  
  
Storm: Oh.  
  
Xavier: Experimenting on mutants. Disgusting.  
  
Magneto's place:  
  
Magneto: Hullo, senator.  
  
Kelly: Aaargh, a mutie.  
  
Magneto: Yup.  
  
Magneto shows off a lot, looking rather weird at the time. Give the man a  
helmet!  
  
The mansion:  
  
Jean: Here's your room.  
  
Logan: Thanks. Read my mind.  
  
Jean does. It's filled with cham-pain. I would've thought something else  
was at his mind at that moment...  
  
Then comes some nightmaring, Rogue-stabbing and show-off of powers.  
  
Magneto's place:  
  
Kelly gets out. Magneto still shows off a lot.  
  
Sabretooth: Grrr?  
  
Magneto: Hey, there you are, senator.  
  
Sabretooth: Grroops. Drops Kelly.  
  
Magneto: Idiot. Slams the metal bars shut.  
  
Sabretooth: GRRRRR!!!  
  
Then Kelly gets to scare everybody at the beach.  
  
The mansion:  
  
Bobby tells Rogue to leave. Then we see that Bobby is Mystique. Then we  
meet Cerebro, and get another headache from that search. Makes you glad you  
aren't a telepath.  
  
Then we all fall in love with Cyclops' bike.  
  
Train:  
  
Logan: Hey, kid.  
  
Rogue: Hey.  
  
Very touching heart-to-heart.  
  
At the mansion, Mystique breaks into Cerebro.  
  
The heart-to-heart talk still goes on.  
  
Train station:  
  
Storm: Woops.  
  
Sabretooth: Grrrr!  
  
Cyclops: Hands – uh, tongue off my visor, you slimy Toad!  
  
Storm makes the lightning hit Sabretooth, and what does he say? Oh, yes,  
you got it right!  
  
Sabretooth: GRRRR!  
  
Toad: Quit playing around!  
  
Sabretooth: Grrr.  
  
Train:  
  
Enter Magneto. He shows off a lot, and then takes Rogue.  
  
(The part we didn't see:  
  
Jean to Xavier: What are you waiting for?  
  
Xavier: Hang on, I have to find the part of Sabretooth's brain that can say  
something other than Grrr!)  
  
Outside:  
  
Cop: Rise your hands.  
  
Magneto: Okay.  
  
Cars: Hey, we're flying!  
  
Sabretooth/Xavier: Grabs Magneto's neck: Grrr...Uh, that's enough, Eric.  
  
Toad/Xavier: Let them go.  
  
Magneto: Face me, Charles!  
  
Maggie nearly kills some cops so Chucky shall let him go, which he does.  
  
Mansion:  
  
Logan: You guys are inept. Bye-bye, I'm gonna sniff around the world after  
Rogue. Shouldn't be too difficult.  
  
Uh, Chucky, why don't you search for the four mutants that aren't  
impossible to find? Oh, yeah, Kelly has to come first.  
  
Enter Kelly.  
  
Melting Kelly.  
  
Chuck reads mind, then goes to Cerebro. That doesn't look very good.  
  
Then Jeannie gets to show off a bit. Good fer her.  
  
Manhattan:  
  
Speaker: Yada, yada, blah, blah.  
  
The Brotherhood are on the move. Toad gets to show how cool he is.  
  
Magneto (to Rogue): Yada, yada, blah, blah.  
  
Mansion:  
  
Cyclops: Hey, look at this cool map!  
  
Audience: Wow.  
  
Blackbird: Finally, I'm in.  
  
Everybody who aren't scared of heights and have a slight interest in  
different transport vehicles start drooling.  
  
Wolverine: Do you actually go outside in these things? (Indicating  
uniforms.)  
  
Cyclops: What would you prefer, yellow spandex? (A/N: Who got that one?  
It's just so good! Especially for those who've read some comics and seen  
Wolvie's costume...)  
  
Statue of Liberty:  
  
First the whole metal detector thing, and Logan shows everybody how you can  
show somebody the finger with a claw. And, horrors of all horrors, Cyclops  
smiles! Which proved once and for all that he really isn't that much of a  
prick/dick with a stick (up his ass.)  
  
Fighty-fighty, with some incredible remarks. Wolvie starts fighting  
Mystique, while Toad deal with the rest. Storm is knocked down an elevator.  
Then she comes up again.  
  
Toad: Don't you people ever die!?  
  
Storm: Nope.  
  
Bye-bye, Toad. See you in the next movie.  
  
And then...you know.  
  
Wolvie comes back.  
  
Logan: Hey, it's me.  
  
Cyclops: Prove it.  
  
Logan: You're a dick.  
  
Cyclops: Okay. (See what I mean!? A stuck up Cyke wouldn't have said that!)  
  
Sigh. They're soooo easy. Maggie enters, and nails them all to the walls.  
Makes you slap your head and wonder when doom will come, since these are  
humanity's last hope.  
  
Then Magneto holds another speech. I think he talks so much because  
Mystique says barely anything, all of Toad's lines have been accounted for  
in this story, and while Sabretooth says rather much, it's seldom anything  
else than "Grrrr".  
  
Then Magneto leaves.  
  
Logan: Okay, this'll hurt.  
  
Sabretooth: Grrrrr?  
  
Logan: THUD! Ouch...  
  
Higher up:  
  
Rogue: Ouch!  
  
Further down:  
  
It's a fight, Wolvie vs. Sabiebaby, during which, as far as I can tell,  
Logan says BUB!!! for the first and only time in the entire movie.  
  
Logan: Here's the visor.  
  
Jean: Got it.  
  
Cyclops: Zappa zaaaap BANG!!!!  
  
Sabretooth: GRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrr......  
  
Logan: Nice shot. Here, you're loose. Send me up.  
  
Logan fights Maggie, and with a little help from Cyke, defeats him.  
  
Then comes the most touchy moment of them all, when we all start crying,  
where Logan gives little Marie his power so she'll live. Cuuuuute.....  
  
Mansion:  
  
Jean: Wakey-wakey, Charles.  
  
A bit later:  
  
Jean: Wakey-wakey, Logan.  
  
Logan: Hey. I won't chase you anymore. Bye.  
  
Jean: Okay. Bye.  
  
On the TV, Mysti is on the move, and watching it, Cyclops actually swears!  
(He says Son-of-a-Bitch.)  
  
Rogue and Logan says bye-bye, Rogue gets his dog-tags, and Logan takes  
Cyclops' bike. Did he get it or steal it? I mean, it did just stand there,  
his for the taking!  
  
The End with a chess game, which Xavier wins, of course.  
  
It ends, saying see ya later! The movie, I mean.  
  
As a result of this movie, many people went around saying things like,  
"You're a dick, okay", "Don't you people ever die", and "Ah don't want ya  
to leave". Among other things. A lot of people fell in love with Hugh  
Jackman/Wolverine (well, a lot of girls, anyway). Personally, it made me  
pant whenever I see Sabretooth. Okay, so Jackman is in the next one, but is  
Tyler Mane there too? Please, please, pleasepleaseplease let it be so!  
  
  
  
A/N: Next chapter won't come until "Poptopia" is over, so you'll have to  
wait just as long for that one.  



	4. The squashed Uncanny 394-405

Disclaimer: Not mine. Never mine. Not even the storylines.

A/N: Oh, my. I cannot be feeling quite well. Is this truly an update?

Oh, blah. To *BEEEP* with this language. I know I promised this chapter a long time ago, but I've been just plain lazy…

Oh, well. Here it comes.

From Fata Morgana and Marvel Comics:

THE SQUASHED UNCANNY X-MEN 394-305

Issue 394: 

New, ridiculously powerful mutant.

New uniforms.

Marital problems which are denied.

Fight with new mutant.

Wolvie kisses Jean. 

New mutant kills himself.

Was there anything more that happened?

POPTOPIA: ISSUES 395-398

Part 1: 

Enter Sugar Kane, a popstar of the kind I detest. She flirts with Jono (and really, with him in that outfit, who can blame her?)

We get presentated to a lot of X-Men, all of whom we already know.

Nightcrawler (back, and now a priest!), Iceman (who knows where he's been? Looking really cool, BTW) and Archangel (ditto) find a mutant colony and help delivering a baby.

Get chased away. Honestly, Kurt, were you _really_ surprised that they had killed people?

Sugar Kane starts flirting with Jono, Kurt calls Wolverine while doing yoga, they find Jono in the newspapers (printed on, that is), and the mutant colony gets slaughtered – kind of setting a standard for what is happening through the pages of Marvel these days. (And just what the _hell_ were they thinking, calling that guy "Mister Clean", anyway?) What _I_ am wondering is: Why does Chamber say "Gordon Bennett" all the time? Is this something us non-English-primary-speakers just can't get? 

Part 2: 

We get a look at Jono's new life as a celebrity's lover. 

'Crawler, Popsicle and Blue'n Wingy find dead mutants in the sewers.

A _closer_ look at Jono's new life. Sugar seems like some kind of sex-crazed bimbo. (No, I don't like her. How did you guess?)

Nightcrawler and Iceman show up to yell at Jono, and lowers my opinion of them several notches. 

Three experienced mutants get their buttocks prodded by this bad excuse for a vacuum cleaner man.

We realise the extent of Wolverines schizophrenia. He can be at two places at once! (Here, and in "New" X-Men.) 

Part 3:

Jono jetset life. Yep.

Big, bad boys talking

Jono and Sugar jetset life.

Runaway sewer mutants running away. Oh, stupid, stupid puns…

Wolvie talkin' t'Jono

Mister Clean gets to talk, and becomes even more pathetic 

Stupid, stupid anti-mutant bigots.

Sugar is gonna be a mommy. Jono's gonna be a daddy. It's all in the paper.

Nightcrawler scares the hell outta the runaway mutants, and us as well…Those drawings were perfectly horrible.

Part 4:

Sugar can't take the lies. Poor _baby_. (Nope, no sympathy from _me._)

Introducing the runaway mutants.

More poor (HAH!) Sugar.

Enter Mister Clean again. He fights Wolvie and looses. Big time. We are safe from Mister Clean ever again. Hurrah. Can we stop this farce now? Please get some decent drawers?

Oh, no. The baby has to be named Hope first.

And it turned out Sugar was just using Jono. As if we didn't see that coming. 

Jono comes with the X-Dudes. And, HURRAH!!! HE. NEVER. LIKED. HER. MUSIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#399:

"The X-Ranch" = Brother. Sorry. Brothel. They send in Iceman (Wonder why. (Because he's the only non-visible mutant.) Shut up, sense of reason), and he gets some action. 

More action than he bargained for, when the Church of Humanity kills everybody 'cept the X-Men and Stacy X. (What a church. Suddenly, I'm glad I don't believe in any specific kind of God.)

#400:

A flurry of bad drawings, Church of Humanity, and Stacy making a fool of herself.

#401: 'Nuff said month

Enter Banshee…in an issue without words. Rrrrright. No wonder it was confusing.

#402:

We get to know a lot about the X-Corps. Lot of heroes and villains are in. Sean's got some monster in the basement. Warren talks to a lot of guys in black suits who think they're important. (And, sorry, but just what is the European Commission?)

#403:

More mess. Sean hasn't got as big control as he thinks, and Jono gets sucked into the mind of the monster in the basement. On the other hand, the drawings were very good.

#404:

More mess. Sean looses control. The monster in the basement is Martinique Jason, also known as Lady Mastermind – and last seen in X-Treme X-Men as Regan Wyngarde, blonde, and left braindead (kinda). I'll get to that later.

Sunpyre – whom I liked – gets killed. And the bad guys take over the X-Corps.

#405:

Mess, mess, mess. Radius gets killed (well, dropped down a chasm in the ground, actually), the good guys wage war on the bad guys, and Mystique (where the hell did _she_ come from?) cuts Sean's throat. 

And, I am sorry to say, I do not know yet what happened after that. I think I know what _will_ happen, though: More mess, and the good guys defeat the bad guys. Perhaps they even kill some of them. Lately, so many good guys have died, I think we could get rid of some of the others as well. First and foremost Surge and Fever-Pitch. (Man, they're almost more annoying than Mister Clean!) Just so long as they don't kill Mystique...!

Next: The squashed X-Treme X-Men


	5. The Squashed X-Treme X-Men 1-9

The Squashed X-Treme X-Men  
  
A/N: Just adding the first issue, which was included in first chapter of this story.  
  
1 #1  
  
Storm, Bishop, Rogue, Beast, Thunderbird, Psylocke: Hi, we're back! Oh no, we've been shot!  
  
Rogue: But ah just fell in the sea!  
  
Sage: I escaped because I'm so darned sexy.  
  
Guy in the shadows with scary twins: Ha-haaah!  
  
#2  
  
To put it short: The X-Treme X-Men minus Rogue and Sage fall into water and get outta it. Beast and Psylocke get separated from the rest. Rogue has a flashback. Then she slams into a building, never mind the repair costs. Vargas gets to show off, and nearly kills Rogue. Beast and Psylocke arrives, and seeing as they're X-Men, they can't just gather up Rogue with Betsy's teke and get the hell outta there. The result is that Beast nearly gets killed, and Psylocke actually does get killed. Sorry, I just can't make this humorous. It still feels like they brought Betsy into the title just to kill her.  
  
#3  
  
Vargas has excited. This issue is a good-bye with Psylocke. Sage sees what Beast will become, finally explaining his form in "New" X-Men. *Sigh* If the titles are separate, why do we have to read all of them to understand what's going on? Beast returns to the main X-team.  
  
#4  
  
Enter: GAMBIT! (So there's where he's at!) He plays cards with Vargas, and steals his diamond. And thinks in French-accented English. Honestly. Somebody ought to thump Chris Claremont on the head.  
  
Lesse… did anything else happen? Oh, yeah. Bishop is Gateway's grandson. (GROAN!!!!!!) And Sage says things like "Cool" and "Way cool"! This is getting sad. Previews in dreamtime of what to come.  
  
#5  
  
Apparently, it is a need for telling us who all these mutants are at the first page. Why!?!?!? They're good drawings, and we know who they are.  
  
As for the story: They watch the news through Sage, the living computer. Gambit's wanted for murder of the viceroy of organised crime in Australia. Bishop plays cop. The rest break into the viceroy's home and check. Bishop arrives later. Rogue gets mad when Bishop hints that Gambit might be guilty, and takes off. She plays good girl in Chinatown, Sydney. Meets Gambit. Gets powers turned off. Gets pummelled by Red Lotus (one of the better new characters). All this in one evening. Phew!  
  
#6  
  
Coroner. Illusions. Storm and T-Bird are on the beach with the viceroy's kids, Heather and Davis (who don't know they're his kids). Rogue and Gambit free themselves. Attack on the beach. Not to mention that finally someone notices that Storm is too beautiful for her own good.  
  
#7  
  
Youpie, Heather's a mutant. They pop up everywhere. Chris Claremont doesn't trust the readers and Salvador Larroca to figure out what Storm and T-Bird do without him telling us. And I like Bishop's little friend, Teri Baltimore. I do not like Lady Mastermind. (Blonde, and Regan Wyngarde in this storyline, as opposed to dark-haired and Martinique Jason in Uncanny.) And the Black King's a snug bastard. Rogue gets pummelled by him and tricked by Lady Mastermind, but Gambit and Red Lotus team up! Yay!  
  
#8: 'Nuff said month  
  
Errr… Dunno, exactly. But they defeat Lady Mastermind and the Black King. Poor Sage, though.  
  
#9  
  
Okay, this one I liked for one thing: This friend-talk between Jean and Ororo. And we find out lots and lots about Heather's powers. Anything to save a life. Pretty cool, really. But just how the hell did Sage know how to use Lifeguard (Heather) to save herself, when they'd never even met? On the other hand, Gambit and Red Lotus fixed all that mess they were in. I like that kid! Hope to learn more about him…  
  
One extremely annoying thing. This issue was the end of one cycle. But I don't feel the summary fitted the story.  
  
I'll leave it off, now, 'til the next cycle is finished. There, I'll rant about how stupid it was to make Davis Cameron a mutant, even though both power and codename was extremely cool (SLIPSTREAM! Wow!). It just feels like he wasn't good enough as he was. But it's a sweet friendship budding between him and Neal, though. Finally we have a guy not afraid to cry against another guy's shoulder when thrown into a war. I still think that another dimension was a bit too much. And what is this thing with Storm and warlords from other dimensions? (Anybody remember Arkon?) 


End file.
